So, it has been a while I see...
I do not even look like what you think I look like.
And I am definitely not the same person you thought I was months ago..
I have had been pretty.. Well.. I've just got more deep
And more complicated.
It's as if I am the wires in a bomb, if you can understand what I am trying to say.. Like.. Out of the red and green and the yellow and the blue, I have no idea which one I should cut. I am too scared to cut any wire cause I am not sure whether I will diffuse or explode. And I do not want to to explode definitely. And the wires keep changing roles.
It's good being so complicated, really.
Well most of the times really.
Being complicated means you are gonna be alone, which I love but sometimes you need someone. You always have something, but sometimes you cannot just be that materialistic. Sometimes, you have to like.. go against yourself.
It's been a while.
It has.
Today, I was seeing some blogs of people who claim to like be.. 'hurt' and 'writers and poets'..
So I got inspired.
Inspiration comes at the random-est of times, really.
Cause of the random-est of things as well.
It has been a while.
I have not been able to write these past few months.
I felt that I lost something. It is kind of funny how I am actually typing so fast, how my mind is actually working with me today.
Probably it is the end of one of my writers' block. Finally.
Finally it broke. It had been a while.
I was so frustrated all this while.
I saw what I wrote and I felt so shitty.
Even though my life is worse here, I should have more to write about, more to speak about..
But no.. I've become more quiet, shy, alone,
Deranged,
and
Distant.
I do not know why I have not been able to write these days. Really.
So all this while, I started with college..
It is stressful, yes it is.
But it is worth it, they tell me it is.
I do not know what for..
Probably to maybe.. Break away..
And I would do anything to break away.
I know I would.
That is why I am doing what I am doing.
I have dreams... Lots of them.
And lots of scenes in my head which I have to make me happen.
Cause if I do not.. I see myself in a psychiatric hospital.
Alone..
My hair would be long though.
So.
I have been playing with fire a bit.
And it played with me too.. A game of catch.
Interesting.. ain't it not?
I have done things which I am not really happy about this time.
I have.
And as usual, I have been hurt.
But I really think I needed that.
I am so ambitious now.
I have no time for myself or anyone.
I just have time for.. a bit of company, at times.
And time for being alone in a restaurant having dinner by myself
With yellow lights above me
In a black dress, formal of course.
Lips, Red of course.
Pumps, black of course.
And the sound of forks and knives and spoons..
And the sound of chatter.
And nothing else.
I want to have a steak, chicken perhaps.
With some nice vegetables and nice sauce.
And for desert,
I would want,
Champagne.
And for the time after dinner,
The time with myself,
Looking deeper within myself,
That time,
For that time, I want,
Red Wine, Italian, Aged.
But in a glass this time, not a bottle.
I want to keep pouring it from time to time..
Just the way my emotions and thoughts will pour.
So..
It has been a while.
I am describing a feeling within me by the way..
I have matured, grown
Become even more mysterious.
And different.
These rains and this.. darkness.
It makes me, deeper.
I feel like paint..
I feel that my insides keep swirling inside me..
And my brain too.
It is a good feeling trust me.
It is worth it.
It is rare, I can bet.
I thought I met a poet.
But I had not.
I thought I had met someone, deep.
But I had not.
And I guess I have been inspired ever since.
I have lost my old self.
Become more to what I was.
Become older, wiser, older.
I think my mind is 60 years old.
Now that is pretty old.
For a person who is 18.
It has been a while since I discovered something new about myself.
I like discovering.
I like it.
And I like shattered hopes and dreams.
Cause then when they form a mosaic, it looks better.
As if it was a painting done by,
Vincent Van Gogh.
Aah, art.
I have become, paranoid enough.
I cannot look in the eye.
But I did. I did look in one person's eye.
But,
I should not have.
And I brought my walls down,
And sunk my heart too
And myself for a while too
But it happens with me, all the time..
My weirdness and muchness is not apt for these people.
I also, lost, love.
And fell into, illusion.
And I lost love.
With a goodbye.
And I got a new stain.
On my soul, it will not fade away, soon,
Or ever.
And I lost, everything.
I lost life too.
But I did not lose myself.
Just became, different, deeper
Swirling within like,
Paint.
I have been wrong.
So many times that it feels like the right thing to do now.
So many times that right does not feel right anymore.
But I do not feel bad about it.
I feel, guilty.
And alone, like I have always been.
I started with the things I thought I had stopped doing.
I started again.
I lost myself.
I created a newer me.
It is sad.
For you, not me.
I can adjust.
I always have been, adjusting.
I have always been, an..
Option.
I always have been, hurt..
Hurt does not even hurt anymore.
The far away from reality part does.
I've become, deeper.
Different.
Mysterious.
Alone.
Away.
Shy.
I have been, ignored.
I have been, mean.
Rude.
Wrong.
Artistic.
I have been.
It has been pretty long after all.
