6 months. Ever since February. I had been planning this move for 6 months.
I finally moved to Chicago on the 17th of August, 2014.
I left my life in India and Singapore. I moved. Everything was in my favour until about August 10th when some really deep shit happened.
I have been in love since I would say, July. Been infatuated since February.
6 months of daily planning and figuring my way out to be in Chicago for a thing called love. I chased my dreams and my wants and I am here, only to move out again. I am just 19 and I have seen so much shit in my life it is not even funny. My life is basically a sadistic comedy, humour of the darkest kind, in which I have a role to play but most of the reasons of why it is a dark humour has been other people.
I have always given way too much, to such an extent that there is nothing left for me.
I have, believe me. I have never broken a single heart, I have never screwed up with anybody's life. I have always done my best to help people in any way I could, even if they have never been nice too me. I have been hurt by doing the same so many times that I've lost count. I have never wished ill upon anybody but ill is just another word to describe my physical self and a huge part of my life. I have never cried about my life as much as I have ever since 2011. I have been in a very bad phase and I do not deny that there have not been good phases. There have, and it did feel amazing but it did not last. I have always tried to find happiness in everything and I did succeed a lot of times but now, I just, I just broke. I am just broken, shattered, tattered, numb, disorganised, devastated, afraid, ruined, scared, blank and vegetative. I have nothing to look forward to, when it comes to love, at least not for a while. By a while, I mean years.
I was so sure about this move, everything was good, everything was in my favour until one day when everything just changed. The tables turned and I knew they did. I choose to ignore it. I chose to, give another chance, to myself and to love. Yet again, I ignored my intuition. Well, I guess I did learn my lesson. I sure do hope that I did.
Many of you guys do not know what shitfuckery I have gone through recently, but those of you who do and have supported me, in whatsoever way, I am really thankful to you. I am really blessed to have such people in my life. I am not there for myself. This was the first time I spoke up against injustice towards me and it backfired. This event has scared me, has scarred me. And the effects look long term, to be honest.
The person I am in love with, considers himself to be just "some guy". Probably because I moved halfway across the world, left my family, my friends, my life behind for that person. Sure as fuck I am impulsive and I get what I need but man, as rash as I am, I would not just pack my bags and move myself to a country unknown to me, to a city which has nothing to do with me just for "some guy".
Interesting turn of events. Worst part was, my brain gave in too hah. That is how sure I was about all of this but man, I got smacked in the face by life, rather than pie or cake which I would have preferred, any day.
Today, I have decided to move to another city, get to my father who has not ruined my once but multiple times. I am going to leave Chicago. Fuck this has been hard on me but yes, it's another experience which I will learn from. I definitely will. I will not be able to give my whole heart to somebody for a while now. It just sucks. I feel innocent for the first time in my life. Everyone said that to me, that I was innocent, I denied, but now I see why they say it. I now see it all.
My face is burning, my cheeks are flushed, my eyes are numb, my fingers are laying all of this for you. Look at this ruined life, laugh about it, as most of you will, you know it. But guess what, I would still be there for you if you ever need me. Not because it's good karma but because it's in my nature. I forgive everybody, everybody. Sucks.
I feel innocent and young, for the first time in my life. I feel, completely helpless and I really am too. In the end what some people say to me was "it was bad timing." One of them even said to me "you were not in love" Haha. Of course I fucking was not.. Thank you for telling me that. Brilliant and remarkable.
I look to the left of my facebook profile. ANA Tokyo (Narita) Airport, about 4 months ago. That was my layover before coming to the States. I remember thinking to myself about how I got what I really wanted, needed and how made all ends meet. I remember a girl who had 3 changes of clothes in her bag feeling like she could conquer the world. I felt, wonderful. And today, the exact opposite of it. I feel hollow, but hey, I do feel.
I am just out of words and sorrow is the only emotion I have been feeling since August 29th. I do not know if this is going to inspire any of you to get your shit together or not, but I hope it does. I pray none of you have to go through what I went through. I really do. I hope you become strong each time you get hurt. I hope you will handle your life properly. I hope you will, love and get it right.
Feel lucky. Learn from my decisions. Do not make the same ones. Please do learn.
Another chapter has to begin, even if the previous one has not ended. I am hoping for something that is not going to be fixed. I am still praying but I do not know till when. I have to let go, again. What an adventure this life has been.
I miss you.
I missed you.
-excerpt from the adventurous life of divyataneja.
I finally moved to Chicago on the 17th of August, 2014.
I left my life in India and Singapore. I moved. Everything was in my favour until about August 10th when some really deep shit happened.
I have been in love since I would say, July. Been infatuated since February.
6 months of daily planning and figuring my way out to be in Chicago for a thing called love. I chased my dreams and my wants and I am here, only to move out again. I am just 19 and I have seen so much shit in my life it is not even funny. My life is basically a sadistic comedy, humour of the darkest kind, in which I have a role to play but most of the reasons of why it is a dark humour has been other people.
I have always given way too much, to such an extent that there is nothing left for me.
I have, believe me. I have never broken a single heart, I have never screwed up with anybody's life. I have always done my best to help people in any way I could, even if they have never been nice too me. I have been hurt by doing the same so many times that I've lost count. I have never wished ill upon anybody but ill is just another word to describe my physical self and a huge part of my life. I have never cried about my life as much as I have ever since 2011. I have been in a very bad phase and I do not deny that there have not been good phases. There have, and it did feel amazing but it did not last. I have always tried to find happiness in everything and I did succeed a lot of times but now, I just, I just broke. I am just broken, shattered, tattered, numb, disorganised, devastated, afraid, ruined, scared, blank and vegetative. I have nothing to look forward to, when it comes to love, at least not for a while. By a while, I mean years.
I was so sure about this move, everything was good, everything was in my favour until one day when everything just changed. The tables turned and I knew they did. I choose to ignore it. I chose to, give another chance, to myself and to love. Yet again, I ignored my intuition. Well, I guess I did learn my lesson. I sure do hope that I did.
Many of you guys do not know what shitfuckery I have gone through recently, but those of you who do and have supported me, in whatsoever way, I am really thankful to you. I am really blessed to have such people in my life. I am not there for myself. This was the first time I spoke up against injustice towards me and it backfired. This event has scared me, has scarred me. And the effects look long term, to be honest.
The person I am in love with, considers himself to be just "some guy". Probably because I moved halfway across the world, left my family, my friends, my life behind for that person. Sure as fuck I am impulsive and I get what I need but man, as rash as I am, I would not just pack my bags and move myself to a country unknown to me, to a city which has nothing to do with me just for "some guy".
Interesting turn of events. Worst part was, my brain gave in too hah. That is how sure I was about all of this but man, I got smacked in the face by life, rather than pie or cake which I would have preferred, any day.
Today, I have decided to move to another city, get to my father who has not ruined my once but multiple times. I am going to leave Chicago. Fuck this has been hard on me but yes, it's another experience which I will learn from. I definitely will. I will not be able to give my whole heart to somebody for a while now. It just sucks. I feel innocent for the first time in my life. Everyone said that to me, that I was innocent, I denied, but now I see why they say it. I now see it all.
My face is burning, my cheeks are flushed, my eyes are numb, my fingers are laying all of this for you. Look at this ruined life, laugh about it, as most of you will, you know it. But guess what, I would still be there for you if you ever need me. Not because it's good karma but because it's in my nature. I forgive everybody, everybody. Sucks.
I feel innocent and young, for the first time in my life. I feel, completely helpless and I really am too. In the end what some people say to me was "it was bad timing." One of them even said to me "you were not in love" Haha. Of course I fucking was not.. Thank you for telling me that. Brilliant and remarkable.
I look to the left of my facebook profile. ANA Tokyo (Narita) Airport, about 4 months ago. That was my layover before coming to the States. I remember thinking to myself about how I got what I really wanted, needed and how made all ends meet. I remember a girl who had 3 changes of clothes in her bag feeling like she could conquer the world. I felt, wonderful. And today, the exact opposite of it. I feel hollow, but hey, I do feel.
I am just out of words and sorrow is the only emotion I have been feeling since August 29th. I do not know if this is going to inspire any of you to get your shit together or not, but I hope it does. I pray none of you have to go through what I went through. I really do. I hope you become strong each time you get hurt. I hope you will handle your life properly. I hope you will, love and get it right.
Feel lucky. Learn from my decisions. Do not make the same ones. Please do learn.
Another chapter has to begin, even if the previous one has not ended. I am hoping for something that is not going to be fixed. I am still praying but I do not know till when. I have to let go, again. What an adventure this life has been.
I miss you.
I missed you.
-excerpt from the adventurous life of divyataneja.
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