Who are we?
I sit with him in his bed, drinking champagne with him. It's around 10 pm. We were talking about him and then we were talking about us. It felt like a repeated conversation, to him. Always does. But then I said something. I asked him for the first time, as awkward as it felt to say it, I said, "Can we talk about me? We've never talked about me." He complies with a sigh and a nod, "Yes. We have not. Let's talk about you." I made a mistake by saying that.
As I kept digging up my past and told him about me, I realised that I am just as broken as he is. But I can navigate through it and he has trouble with that. I feel it is a recent event. He looks at me, deep into my soul and tells me, "We're the same. We're different people but God, we are so similar." I drop a tear from my right eye. I look at him and said, "I know."
As we keep arguing and talking about each other both of us drop down our walls and look at each other. We are both so fucked up. I never realised that. I knew him so well but he did not know me at all. What were we doing to each other? What are we doing to each other?
A new relationship bloomed on the ashes of an old one. The same place, the same room. I remember late nights and mid afternoons just talking and falling bit by fucking bit. Did I do wrong? Did I put in too much? Guess I did. But I am hoping that I did learn. It feels like I have but you can never be too fucking sure when it comes to stuff like "love." I am worried about myself as much as I am worried about him. I am, for the first time. That is why, I plan to move. Call it running away but I need my roots again. All men need roots. And my roots are in a different country. A place I lived in for 10 years and some more months. I need to go.
Shallow people make their wishes come true by wishing ill upon others. I am not wishing ill upon anybody. I am just trying to make things work for myself. I am trying to make things work for us. But will we ever have that "us" again? I do not know. I thought it was meant to be but maybe it was not. Maybe I was just a person who needed to help a soul realise where he stands. Maybe. Well, if it works out well, I will be nothing but happy. I guess.
I will do my best for the best to happen. I am not really sure what the best is at this moment of time but it will be something. It has to be something. I made a mistake. I lost charge. I lost control and the worst of it all, I lost myself. No one is to blame. Nobody is responsible for my happiness and nobody is responsible to make me happy. Nobody. It is purely my fault and now when I have come to terms with it, I am shaken up. I thought I was getting better but I was, wrong. There is not much time for waiting for reciprocation or waiting for a miracle. Now it is the time to-act on my behalf. Act for myself and finding myself. Pulling myself out of this quicksand. If I do not do it in time, I will drown and be lost in a void and never be retrieved. It's painful but, it's essential.
I am over it all. The ideas of everything. I am really over it. I have realised and learned a lot from life in this year. I have learned what it has to offer and what it does not have to offer. I have realised the true meaning of illusion and a distorted reality. And I am not scared to make changes any more. It does suck balls to be at this stage in life but it would suck even more if I let it pertain and do nothing about it. I have condoned with my "desires" enough. Now, I have to stop. It is time. There is no use prolonging something which is not meant to be prolonged or worse, which is not meant to be there. I tried to create my world without considering the fact that I still have to deal with reality. It does not work that way. To think that it did got me here and now, I know. It's been harsh to learn it though. But it will be fruitful, I know that for sure.
There is no room for regret or remorse in my heart or mind now. It is time to "deal with it." It has been painful but I am glad that experiences like these push me to become a stronger person. A better person. A wiser person and last but not the least, a happier person. I am pained that I had to go through this. I never thought I deserved this but-what is it that I deserve then? No one can ever know. I will make a mark. I will leave a scar. I will have a mark and I will have a scar on me too. A little dreamer died a little today. A little illusionist became a realist today. A little child grew a bit more today. Today is a painful day. 25th November 2014. A day which will always be marked in my calender.
In conclusion, I have been damaged and I have damaged. I apologize to everybody who has been hurt in the way. It has been tough on me and has taken a toll on me. It has been tough on the people who had to go through all of this crap because of me. It's a genuine apology. I do not need any sympathy but I do need some support to get back up. I am blessed to have known such amazing people in my life and I am proud of each and everyone I am close to. I do not have any idea where my life is going but I think I will make it through, somehow. I always do. I just need to focus on myself a bit and be the best person I can be at this current moment of time. Change is always hard and not very comfortable but it is essential. I have lived a hell of a life for a 19 year old, caused some really cool shit and stuff. I cannot believe that I have had such great opportunities to visualise and grow in this life of mine. I am proud of the things I have accomplished but also not proud of most of the things I have done. In the end, I apologise to myself for letting myself down. I am hoping the future would be good for me but I cannot be too certain. I am certain about the present and even though it may feel and look like a "wrong choice" to many people, I know it is the best choice for me. I will achieve my goals and maybe, one day, if I am ever ready again, come back. This year has been a turmoil and I wish to grow to become a better and happier person. I am on a new, mission. Thank you for everybody who supported me and believed in me. I hope, you will be able to witness the new me sooner than later. I promise, I'll never lose the crazy.
Divya Taneja.
I sit with him in his bed, drinking champagne with him. It's around 10 pm. We were talking about him and then we were talking about us. It felt like a repeated conversation, to him. Always does. But then I said something. I asked him for the first time, as awkward as it felt to say it, I said, "Can we talk about me? We've never talked about me." He complies with a sigh and a nod, "Yes. We have not. Let's talk about you." I made a mistake by saying that.
As I kept digging up my past and told him about me, I realised that I am just as broken as he is. But I can navigate through it and he has trouble with that. I feel it is a recent event. He looks at me, deep into my soul and tells me, "We're the same. We're different people but God, we are so similar." I drop a tear from my right eye. I look at him and said, "I know."
As we keep arguing and talking about each other both of us drop down our walls and look at each other. We are both so fucked up. I never realised that. I knew him so well but he did not know me at all. What were we doing to each other? What are we doing to each other?
A new relationship bloomed on the ashes of an old one. The same place, the same room. I remember late nights and mid afternoons just talking and falling bit by fucking bit. Did I do wrong? Did I put in too much? Guess I did. But I am hoping that I did learn. It feels like I have but you can never be too fucking sure when it comes to stuff like "love." I am worried about myself as much as I am worried about him. I am, for the first time. That is why, I plan to move. Call it running away but I need my roots again. All men need roots. And my roots are in a different country. A place I lived in for 10 years and some more months. I need to go.
Shallow people make their wishes come true by wishing ill upon others. I am not wishing ill upon anybody. I am just trying to make things work for myself. I am trying to make things work for us. But will we ever have that "us" again? I do not know. I thought it was meant to be but maybe it was not. Maybe I was just a person who needed to help a soul realise where he stands. Maybe. Well, if it works out well, I will be nothing but happy. I guess.
I will do my best for the best to happen. I am not really sure what the best is at this moment of time but it will be something. It has to be something. I made a mistake. I lost charge. I lost control and the worst of it all, I lost myself. No one is to blame. Nobody is responsible for my happiness and nobody is responsible to make me happy. Nobody. It is purely my fault and now when I have come to terms with it, I am shaken up. I thought I was getting better but I was, wrong. There is not much time for waiting for reciprocation or waiting for a miracle. Now it is the time to-act on my behalf. Act for myself and finding myself. Pulling myself out of this quicksand. If I do not do it in time, I will drown and be lost in a void and never be retrieved. It's painful but, it's essential.
I am over it all. The ideas of everything. I am really over it. I have realised and learned a lot from life in this year. I have learned what it has to offer and what it does not have to offer. I have realised the true meaning of illusion and a distorted reality. And I am not scared to make changes any more. It does suck balls to be at this stage in life but it would suck even more if I let it pertain and do nothing about it. I have condoned with my "desires" enough. Now, I have to stop. It is time. There is no use prolonging something which is not meant to be prolonged or worse, which is not meant to be there. I tried to create my world without considering the fact that I still have to deal with reality. It does not work that way. To think that it did got me here and now, I know. It's been harsh to learn it though. But it will be fruitful, I know that for sure.
There is no room for regret or remorse in my heart or mind now. It is time to "deal with it." It has been painful but I am glad that experiences like these push me to become a stronger person. A better person. A wiser person and last but not the least, a happier person. I am pained that I had to go through this. I never thought I deserved this but-what is it that I deserve then? No one can ever know. I will make a mark. I will leave a scar. I will have a mark and I will have a scar on me too. A little dreamer died a little today. A little illusionist became a realist today. A little child grew a bit more today. Today is a painful day. 25th November 2014. A day which will always be marked in my calender.
In conclusion, I have been damaged and I have damaged. I apologize to everybody who has been hurt in the way. It has been tough on me and has taken a toll on me. It has been tough on the people who had to go through all of this crap because of me. It's a genuine apology. I do not need any sympathy but I do need some support to get back up. I am blessed to have known such amazing people in my life and I am proud of each and everyone I am close to. I do not have any idea where my life is going but I think I will make it through, somehow. I always do. I just need to focus on myself a bit and be the best person I can be at this current moment of time. Change is always hard and not very comfortable but it is essential. I have lived a hell of a life for a 19 year old, caused some really cool shit and stuff. I cannot believe that I have had such great opportunities to visualise and grow in this life of mine. I am proud of the things I have accomplished but also not proud of most of the things I have done. In the end, I apologise to myself for letting myself down. I am hoping the future would be good for me but I cannot be too certain. I am certain about the present and even though it may feel and look like a "wrong choice" to many people, I know it is the best choice for me. I will achieve my goals and maybe, one day, if I am ever ready again, come back. This year has been a turmoil and I wish to grow to become a better and happier person. I am on a new, mission. Thank you for everybody who supported me and believed in me. I hope, you will be able to witness the new me sooner than later. I promise, I'll never lose the crazy.
Divya Taneja.
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