Assurance

2:02 Am.

A cold and wet night. 15th October, 2014. 

I made it, to 19. 

Pretty much alive.

But I am not so sure any more.

I am not sure about anything. At all.

The past 7-8 months in my life have been tormenting and amazingly shaky. A part where I did not do anything, could do something but yet could not.

I am just not sure about anything any more.
I wish for something stable. Something I know that will last long. Something that I will stick to and I just am not able to find anything like that. Nothing is stable. Not me, not my life, not my mind, not my sight. I have a vision and an apparent goal but I do not know about that either. It is a very disturbing time in my life, one of the toughest phase in my life. Everything is so disturbed and distorted. Whenever I reflect back at my life, it feels as if I am looking through a prism, but except for seeing the white light turn into a spectrum, the light still remains white. I am afraid.

I am afraid and I am scared. I am a turmoil inside out. I am a storm, a hurricane, a tsunami. I am just scattered. I do not know where to pick myself up from. There is a lot going on my life but yet I feel so stagnant. I hate this feeling. I want to be dynamic and fast, like I usually am but nowadays, I am not even sure about what I am or who I am, any more.

I have gone through some major changes in my life recently which have made me, different. I have broken down to pieces, rebuilt and broken down day after day, night after night. I am a different person. I can feel it and it is hard, for me, for the first time in my life, to adjust to this change. It is hard.

I just want something stable. I just want some assurance that I will have something. All these years of independent living and behaviour, I want something stable. I want to know what I want to do. I want to know who I will be with in the time when I am "doing something with my life."  For the first time in my life I want to earn money, my potential wants to. I want to reach amazing heights but the only heights I can reach to are the buildings from which I might fall down, on purpose. I see skyscrapers but I do not work in them. I see tall figures but I do not work with them. I see inspiring activities but I am not a participant. I see coloured canvases on white walls, but not my creations. I want to be there. I wish I had something I was sure about. I wish. This is the first time I have ever been scared in my life of everything. I do not feel like taking risks but I still am. I pray daily, that I find some stability and some sort of acceptance. I might, in the near future, but will I be a part in that near future? I do not know. I do not know what I might do. Life is a gamble but not a casino. It's been tough. I wish I had stability, for the first time. I wish I had myself when I need me most- but I do not have me.