It's nearing, the day he died.
The day I lied about "not feeling emotional." I wish I had mourned enough.
Dear Granddad- I miss you.
It's going to be 4 years soon. It hits me harder each year. Not mourning when you passed. I knew I had you but I was young and I did not want your wisdom back then. I wish I did get some of it because I am so fucked up right now. I knew I had you but, I do not, any more.
My tiny 15 year old hands were your deathbed. You and I were alone that evening, it was not cold or anything. Your last minute was what was surrounded by your wife and this relative I disliked. I remember you holding my hand and asking me to give up before I started to give you the little CPR I knew. It was painful. To know what was going on and yet not to acknowledge it. It was, painful. I looked at you and I did my best. I am sorry for not being the doctor you were, maybe if I was, you would have been physically with me, today. I feel hurt.
I did not mourn your death. I was so in love with this "first love" of my life that I ignored the fact that this will ever affect me. And it did. As I said, it gets worse every year. The more I learn, the more I repent. I wish I could have spent more time with you in your last days. You were getting better and then, you were gone. I feel shattered, right now.
It's 4 am in the morning, 21st October, 2 days before it all happened. I remember the brief fight you and the other family members got into because of some dumb reason. I remember but I ignored it, I did not want to be a part of it. You knew me, I'd keep myself away from all of the shit that was going on in the house. You knew me best, I just did not know that. I wish I was older, wiser so that I could have understood you better.
I had saved your life before. I would have lost you before but I saved you. It felt really scary but I saved you and it makes me proud of myself. Thank you for teaching me and spending time with me. If you had not, I would have lost you sooner than later. Thank you for keeping with me for a while longer, granddad.
I'm writing this post to you as if you will be reading it, but you will not be. It hurts to know the reality but not being able to face it strongly. I always tried to forget this day since the last four years but this time, it's getting to be really bad. Life has been hard and I wish I could have held you and come up to you for guidance. I swear I wish I could.
You were always proud of me. You always believed in me even when nobody else did. I wish I had people like you around me who would tell me my value. You made me believe myself. I wish I was older. I wish I was older enough to talk to you about the stuff I am going through right now. About life, about you, about me. I wish. Oh how I wish.
Ever since you left, my life changed, nana. I fell in love, I fell out of it. I was in depression for a year. Nobody saw it, really. I hid it quite well, according to myself. I wonder, if you were there, what would you have seen. What would you have told me. Would you have taken me in your arms and tell me that it will be okay, that you will always be there for me? Would you have seen my scabs and sterilised my wounds? Would you have taken me on long walks to get me a cone of ice cream even if you had trouble walking? Would you have sneaked in my room at 12 am and eat sweets with me? Would you have let me cried on your lap? I wish I could have experienced your wisdom when I needed it most. I wish.
I keep wondering, what we would have talked about if you saw me like that. Talking about love, friendship, parenthood etc. I wonder how those conversations would have been. I wonder how you would have talked to me about my parents. I wonder how you would have talked to me about the people I disliked. I wonder and I cry that I could never talk about such things with you, at all.
You gave me liberty and freedom. You shaped me up and made me turn into this crazy, twisted person I am today. I feel wise for my age and that is all because of you. I wish you were with me in this stage of life so that I could have shown you my artwork. I wish you were here with me so that I would not have to depend on my biological parents for anything. I wish you were here so that you could have seen me acknowledge you when I receive my first award. I wish you could have taught me things only you knew. But I never got the chance and when I did, I was too young and uninterested.
Nana, I miss you. A lot. I still keep the phone you bought me with me. I never really realised that that phone is actually the last physical memory I have of you. I have your notepads lying in India in my room's bookshelves. I loved your writing. It was and art. I really wish you were here so that I would not be crying writing this but it's something I will not get. I know. I always wanted to make you proud- and you were always proud of me but, I wanted to be proud of myself and then make you proud. I wish I was elder. I hope you are in a better place. Anything must be better than human life these days. I hope you are at peace. If you're reading this over my shoulder in ghost form, blow me a gentle kiss on my forehead and know that I love you. I hope, if reincarnation is real, that you will be a major part of my next life. I do not have any more words to say--just-- I love you, nana. Rest in Peace.
The day I lied about "not feeling emotional." I wish I had mourned enough.
Dear Granddad- I miss you.
It's going to be 4 years soon. It hits me harder each year. Not mourning when you passed. I knew I had you but I was young and I did not want your wisdom back then. I wish I did get some of it because I am so fucked up right now. I knew I had you but, I do not, any more.
My tiny 15 year old hands were your deathbed. You and I were alone that evening, it was not cold or anything. Your last minute was what was surrounded by your wife and this relative I disliked. I remember you holding my hand and asking me to give up before I started to give you the little CPR I knew. It was painful. To know what was going on and yet not to acknowledge it. It was, painful. I looked at you and I did my best. I am sorry for not being the doctor you were, maybe if I was, you would have been physically with me, today. I feel hurt.
I did not mourn your death. I was so in love with this "first love" of my life that I ignored the fact that this will ever affect me. And it did. As I said, it gets worse every year. The more I learn, the more I repent. I wish I could have spent more time with you in your last days. You were getting better and then, you were gone. I feel shattered, right now.
It's 4 am in the morning, 21st October, 2 days before it all happened. I remember the brief fight you and the other family members got into because of some dumb reason. I remember but I ignored it, I did not want to be a part of it. You knew me, I'd keep myself away from all of the shit that was going on in the house. You knew me best, I just did not know that. I wish I was older, wiser so that I could have understood you better.
I had saved your life before. I would have lost you before but I saved you. It felt really scary but I saved you and it makes me proud of myself. Thank you for teaching me and spending time with me. If you had not, I would have lost you sooner than later. Thank you for keeping with me for a while longer, granddad.
I'm writing this post to you as if you will be reading it, but you will not be. It hurts to know the reality but not being able to face it strongly. I always tried to forget this day since the last four years but this time, it's getting to be really bad. Life has been hard and I wish I could have held you and come up to you for guidance. I swear I wish I could.
You were always proud of me. You always believed in me even when nobody else did. I wish I had people like you around me who would tell me my value. You made me believe myself. I wish I was older. I wish I was older enough to talk to you about the stuff I am going through right now. About life, about you, about me. I wish. Oh how I wish.
Ever since you left, my life changed, nana. I fell in love, I fell out of it. I was in depression for a year. Nobody saw it, really. I hid it quite well, according to myself. I wonder, if you were there, what would you have seen. What would you have told me. Would you have taken me in your arms and tell me that it will be okay, that you will always be there for me? Would you have seen my scabs and sterilised my wounds? Would you have taken me on long walks to get me a cone of ice cream even if you had trouble walking? Would you have sneaked in my room at 12 am and eat sweets with me? Would you have let me cried on your lap? I wish I could have experienced your wisdom when I needed it most. I wish.
I keep wondering, what we would have talked about if you saw me like that. Talking about love, friendship, parenthood etc. I wonder how those conversations would have been. I wonder how you would have talked to me about my parents. I wonder how you would have talked to me about the people I disliked. I wonder and I cry that I could never talk about such things with you, at all.
You gave me liberty and freedom. You shaped me up and made me turn into this crazy, twisted person I am today. I feel wise for my age and that is all because of you. I wish you were with me in this stage of life so that I could have shown you my artwork. I wish you were here with me so that I would not have to depend on my biological parents for anything. I wish you were here so that you could have seen me acknowledge you when I receive my first award. I wish you could have taught me things only you knew. But I never got the chance and when I did, I was too young and uninterested.
Nana, I miss you. A lot. I still keep the phone you bought me with me. I never really realised that that phone is actually the last physical memory I have of you. I have your notepads lying in India in my room's bookshelves. I loved your writing. It was and art. I really wish you were here so that I would not be crying writing this but it's something I will not get. I know. I always wanted to make you proud- and you were always proud of me but, I wanted to be proud of myself and then make you proud. I wish I was elder. I hope you are in a better place. Anything must be better than human life these days. I hope you are at peace. If you're reading this over my shoulder in ghost form, blow me a gentle kiss on my forehead and know that I love you. I hope, if reincarnation is real, that you will be a major part of my next life. I do not have any more words to say--just-- I love you, nana. Rest in Peace.
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