The topic of this piece, I've lost it all.
Hope.
I remember when I was younger, about 16-17, I framed this quote, "hope is a dangerous thing, but it is the one thing that keeps us alive." which is true, if you think about it, but yes, now that it is all gone, I feel dead.
I have felt dead before but this time, it's a more advanced level. I do not know where I am or who I am any more. What people are any more. I am just mentally and emotionally prepared to- give up, quit living. I do not know when I might take that step but, I think it might be soon. I do not know, I am not sure.
Hope. I used to be a very hopeful person, once. By once I mean, until day before yesterday. Everyday now seems to be spiralling and hazy. Every morning feels bland, every night, feels weaker than the one before. Funny how I have demeaned my life so much, yet again.
I do not know where to go. I do not have anybody to go to. Friends, sure, but I still hide the darkest parts of me, somewhere. The lack of direction and focus has got to me to such an extent that I am prepared to, end it all, for good. I feel worthless and unworthy of anything. I feel like a waste of human space. I feel so gloomy. My eyes have started showing that and so has my body. There is nothing that I can think of doing, no where I can think of going. I do not have a home. If I return back, I fear that I will feel the same and still end myself. I would feel better about it, ending myself around people I know, to be honest. I am just so scared and lost. And lost as it is, I have. In every way. I have lost my people, I have lost my interests, I have lost my skills, focus, bravery, strength and most importantly why I am cribbing about it is that I have lost myself. It just feels like nothing was "mine" to begin with. Nothing. I do not know where to run to, any more. To my mother? To my safety net? To- myself? I just do not know.
I am not certain about what I might do in the future, but it seems to me as if there is no way out. With such treacherous familial relations, friends who I can not breakdown in front of, a person who I call "dad" not being here, all in all, adds on to it. I feel morbid and shallow. My life feels teary-eyed. I have lost my vision and I do not know what I desire any more. I got what I had desired but, it is lost too. So, everything feels "gone." It's all vanished somewhere. Into thin or thick air, I do not know. And to be honest, I do not have the strength or capacity to look for it any more.
I have lost all. I have given up on everything and myself. I do not know what I am going to do. I just want to be happy, like I used to be. Even the music that plays does not give me joy as it used to. Conversations with people tire me. I just want to be put to sleep forever. I do not want to wake up. I do not want to start over. I just want to be in a vacuum, with no thoughts in my head and not face any reality. It all felt like a surrealist art piece before, now it's just a realist art piece which I do not appreciate. But both of those movements have ended, question is, when will I? Will I have to make it happen? I do not know.
I am so scared.
I am so, scared.
Hope.
I remember when I was younger, about 16-17, I framed this quote, "hope is a dangerous thing, but it is the one thing that keeps us alive." which is true, if you think about it, but yes, now that it is all gone, I feel dead.
I have felt dead before but this time, it's a more advanced level. I do not know where I am or who I am any more. What people are any more. I am just mentally and emotionally prepared to- give up, quit living. I do not know when I might take that step but, I think it might be soon. I do not know, I am not sure.
Hope. I used to be a very hopeful person, once. By once I mean, until day before yesterday. Everyday now seems to be spiralling and hazy. Every morning feels bland, every night, feels weaker than the one before. Funny how I have demeaned my life so much, yet again.
I do not know where to go. I do not have anybody to go to. Friends, sure, but I still hide the darkest parts of me, somewhere. The lack of direction and focus has got to me to such an extent that I am prepared to, end it all, for good. I feel worthless and unworthy of anything. I feel like a waste of human space. I feel so gloomy. My eyes have started showing that and so has my body. There is nothing that I can think of doing, no where I can think of going. I do not have a home. If I return back, I fear that I will feel the same and still end myself. I would feel better about it, ending myself around people I know, to be honest. I am just so scared and lost. And lost as it is, I have. In every way. I have lost my people, I have lost my interests, I have lost my skills, focus, bravery, strength and most importantly why I am cribbing about it is that I have lost myself. It just feels like nothing was "mine" to begin with. Nothing. I do not know where to run to, any more. To my mother? To my safety net? To- myself? I just do not know.
I am not certain about what I might do in the future, but it seems to me as if there is no way out. With such treacherous familial relations, friends who I can not breakdown in front of, a person who I call "dad" not being here, all in all, adds on to it. I feel morbid and shallow. My life feels teary-eyed. I have lost my vision and I do not know what I desire any more. I got what I had desired but, it is lost too. So, everything feels "gone." It's all vanished somewhere. Into thin or thick air, I do not know. And to be honest, I do not have the strength or capacity to look for it any more.
I have lost all. I have given up on everything and myself. I do not know what I am going to do. I just want to be happy, like I used to be. Even the music that plays does not give me joy as it used to. Conversations with people tire me. I just want to be put to sleep forever. I do not want to wake up. I do not want to start over. I just want to be in a vacuum, with no thoughts in my head and not face any reality. It all felt like a surrealist art piece before, now it's just a realist art piece which I do not appreciate. But both of those movements have ended, question is, when will I? Will I have to make it happen? I do not know.
I am so scared.
I am so, scared.
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